No! I am never ungrateful. In fact I think too much is given to me already and I thank Him for everything in every single day. But I am still not satisfied. I don’t claim I don’t have contentment, In fact I am so much contented but whenever you are alone and nothing to think and do about while the world never stops moving, I feel like empty handed. Like I think I am wasting too much of my time doing nothing. I am programmed to do more to be more. My inner self told me so. I don’t want to be caught off guard when worst things hit me unexpected.
I am afraid the world is climbing up a ladder so high that I can’t live up or worst I am so left behind. I am afraid the things I have and the things I knew will become obsolete one day which no one cares about. I am afraid my skills right now…because unpracticed will soon overthrow me.
I am so much comfortable living on my own that I would never want to be a burden to anyone but sometimes I loose my grip too. I feel like I should be doing more purposeful things than just sitting around in the office waiting for queue’s and time to go home. I feel unworthy enough sitting around doing nothing yet fully paid for nothing at all.
People much older than me still struggles to have a pay increase yet mine is more than enough for me. Some people sacrifice passion, sacrifice being with their loved ones and sacrifice their own sense of happiness just to move out of the country to be paid enough. Many don’t even have food on their tables but they don’t feel unworthy enough they don’t think of any obsolete days.
The problem is, I think I should think ahead, plan out everything and all should work well. This moment that I have now really should be enjoyed but I am thinking so hard for the next plan that I forget to enjoy. I am thinking so hard what should I do next to level up that I cannot make myself available to enjoy the moment of a lil bit slowing down. To enjoy a moment of calmness despite all chaos from the past. I can still remember the day I was excited to learn so much. To catch up in so much information that I put myself in. How I wish I was that excited again of a new learning.
As I write all these things…I came into conclusion what I previously aim that just died out because of the lack of confidence towards the work that I do. I don’t feel accomplish and entitled of anything. I should start seeing myself worthy by heading to what my previous agenda why I get into this. I wanted to learn and in order for me to learn I don’t need to wait for queues or read or score an online exam I have to aim again to learn even if its hard just to bring back the confidence in what I do and to feel accomplish and entitled to the things I am responsible about. I should start the drive to learn again as eager as I wanted to learn the first day I set foot in this office. I have to cut the chuck of information into pieces in order to get there. Prioritize to learn things that matter.