I will repeatedly make the same mistake. Be in the same problematic situation which pushes me to the edge if I don’t comprehend further and take actions. All these years…whenever I find myself on the edge its as if telling me to move up to the next challenge which in return makes me look for better things or yet better opportunities. And here I am again in a different place with the same challenge where my instinct tells me the same exact thing to do once more. But my better judgement says Oooopps! hold that thought up! Can’t you make better decisions this time? Try to defy it somehow or examine the problem maybe? And hey look at it in a different angle or even consider that you have made it wrong before. The very reason I have to look further is because the place did change and the only constant in those situations is how I see it or rather how I respond to it. I deal with it the easiest way that’s why learning by enduring through it did not take place.
Most people my age finds it so hard to stay a lengthy service nowadays. We don’t have a lot of patience to wait and see rather we would always want to take immediate action. Hence makes us so good with multitasking where older generations find it so difficult to do. Since we are so expert with multitasking the result is, we easily get bored and we feel like doing nothing for a while kills us to death. We feel hopeless of the situation because we have a lot of time thinking about things. Multitasking gives us a lot of free time to actually do more but instead it be beneficial to some of us it ruins our capacity to live it meaningfully by immediately taking the easiest way out of the situation.
The question is how can I endure? How do I want it to be? What can I do about it to make things more bearable each day where I can actually look forward to it? How? If you know the answer please give me some pointers.
Thanks a lot for taking the time to read. I always say to myself I hope to inspire but this thing is not so inspiring at all. Anyways I have to write this down to be able to arrange my thoughts and renew it somehow. 😊
No! I am never ungrateful. In fact I think too much is given to me already and I thank Him for everything in every single day. But I am still not satisfied. I don’t claim I don’t have contentment, In fact I am so much contented but whenever you are alone and nothing to think and do about while the world never stops moving, I feel like empty handed. Like I think I am wasting too much of my time doing nothing. I am programmed to do more to be more. My inner self told me so. I don’t want to be caught off guard when worst things hit me unexpected.
I am afraid the world is climbing up a ladder so high that I can’t live up or worst I am so left behind. I am afraid the things I have and the things I knew will become obsolete one day which no one cares about. I am afraid my skills right now…because unpracticed will soon overthrow me.
I am so much comfortable living on my own that I would never want to be a burden to anyone but sometimes I loose my grip too. I feel like I should be doing more purposeful things than just sitting around in the office waiting for queue’s and time to go home. I feel unworthy enough sitting around doing nothing yet fully paid for nothing at all.
People much older than me still struggles to have a pay increase yet mine is more than enough for me. Some people sacrifice passion, sacrifice being with their loved ones and sacrifice their own sense of happiness just to move out of the country to be paid enough. Many don’t even have food on their tables but they don’t feel unworthy enough they don’t think of any obsolete days.
The problem is, I think I should think ahead, plan out everything and all should work well. This moment that I have now really should be enjoyed but I am thinking so hard for the next plan that I forget to enjoy. I am thinking so hard what should I do next to level up that I cannot make myself available to enjoy the moment of a lil bit slowing down. To enjoy a moment of calmness despite all chaos from the past. I can still remember the day I was excited to learn so much. To catch up in so much information that I put myself in. How I wish I was that excited again of a new learning.
As I write all these things…I came into conclusion what I previously aim that just died out because of the lack of confidence towards the work that I do. I don’t feel accomplish and entitled of anything. I should start seeing myself worthy by heading to what my previous agenda why I get into this. I wanted to learn and in order for me to learn I don’t need to wait for queues or read or score an online exam I have to aim again to learn even if its hard just to bring back the confidence in what I do and to feel accomplish and entitled to the things I am responsible about. I should start the drive to learn again as eager as I wanted to learn the first day I set foot in this office. I have to cut the chuck of information into pieces in order to get there. Prioritize to learn things that matter.
Sabi ko or marahil sabi din ng karamihin e kilala nila ang sarili nila. Pero bakit kapag tinatanong ko na ang sarili ko kung ano ba talaga ang gusto kong gawin e hindi ko kayang sagutin. Hindi ko alam kong sobrang dami ko lang bang gustong gawin or iniisip ko kasi na dapat isa lang ang sagot sa tanong na iyan o di kayang hindi ko talaga alam ang gusto kong gawin.
Nakapag sulat na naman akong muli dahil pakiramdam ko ay nagagamot ang kung ano mang alalahanin ko kapag naisusulat ko ang bawat pahayag ng nagsusumigaw kong pag iisip.
Halos mag dadalawang taon ko na sigurong itinatanong sa sarili ko ang dalawang tanong na ito, ano nga ba ang gusto kong gawin? at saan nga ba ako magaling? Ang totoo nyan nakapaglista na ako ng sagot sa mga ito ngunit kung aking pagninilayang maiigi ay wala pa ring tama sa nailista ko. Hindi ko alam kung bakit. Hindi ko alam kung saan nanggagaling ang angulo ng mali na sobrang nagiging tama na sa pagiging mali. Kulang lang ba ako ng tiwala sa tama kaya nangingibabaw ang mali o kulang mismo ako sa tiwala sa sarili kong sinabi kaya nangingibabaw ang mali? Tapos babalik ako sa tanong na, kilala ko nga ba ang sarili ko talaga? Kasi kung kilala ko bakit nagdududa ako sa sarili kong salita? Gaano ko nga ba kakilala ang sarili ko? Hindi ko mabigyan ng tamang kompirmasyon ang sarili kung kaya ganito na lang ako naguguluhan sa isasagot at magiging sagot para sa tanong na “Ano nga ba ang gusto kong gawin?” Naisip ko rin itanong sa mga kakilala ko kung sa tingin nila saan ba ako magaling pero hindi rin nila mabibigyan ito ng tamang sagot dahil dapat ay mas alam ko yun.
Sa huli ay ako pa rin ang magbibigay ng pasya sa lahat ng ito. Ayun nga lang, mahirap din pala. Mahirap bigyan ng sagot lalo nat nakulong na ako sa paraan ng pag iisip na malayo na sa kung paano ako nag iisip nong bata pa ako. Na hindi ko na din maalala kung paano nga ba dati. Siguro e mas simple lang at hindi komplikado.
Naniniwala na ako sa kasabihang “As you get older you become more appreciative of the the life around you and the life you live”.
Feeling ko sobrang yaman ko na sa kaibigan. Imagine I still keep friendship with my kindergarten bff until now. I still keep the people I love from the different walks of life I’ve been through. Of course not all have stayed. May mga nawala na din na nalungkot ako at may mga nawala na din na ok lang. Hindi ko alam at hindi ko mapaliwanag kung bakit may mga nawawalang ok lang at may nawawalang talagang nakakapanghinayang. Pero to sum it up, everyone that is still in my life up to these days are all worth keeping. Including the oldest and the newest of friends.
Hindi ako naniniwala na keeping a small circle of friends is better. I have a bunch of true once and we still all enjoy our companies. I guess my personality can keep it up because I am always true to every single one of them thats why it all lasted (not counting for those who leave). Its their decision to set distance and I dont mind giving them the privilege to be so. Still I have been very true even for those who left.
Speaking of a bunch of friends, what I mean is they are all chartered, naging marami na sila not because I keep a bunch in one circle but because I keep every few true good once remained. All in all andami na nila kc mula ba naman kindergarten hanggang sa 6yrs of corporate life! Medjo matagal na at sobrang saya ko kasi feeling ko ang swerte ko na mashado sa mga nagmamahal saken. Sobrang swerte ko sa pang araw araw na pagbuhos ng bawat pagmamahal sa bawat isa sa kanila.
Gusto ko silang imeet lahat, pagpupuntahan at ihug. Pati mga nanay nila namissed na din ako. Ganon ka maihahambing ang kayamanang meron ako. Sila yung mga taong hanggang ngayon di pa rin nagsasawa sa presensya ko at pinipili pa ring maging parte ng buhay ko. At sa kahit papaanong paraan naipaparating ko pa rin sa kanila kung gaano sila kahalaga saken. At kahit sobrang dami ng nangyari all thoughout, we still keep the same old conversation na parang abot kamay pa din ang isat isa.
Dito ko napapatunayang ang mahalaga lang ay ang lahat ng totoo. Nakikita man o hindi basta totoo mas masaya sa pakiramdam. Gaya ng mga ngiting ito.
This place is pretty far and dangerously beautiful.
Our destination is! Dinadiawan or how locals pronounce it as Dina-dyawan.
At dahil malayo nga at unang beses ko pa lang makakapnta dito kaya kailangan kong planuhing maigi ang lahat. Nagbayad na ako ng reservation fee a month bago pa yung mismong check in date kasi madalas ubos na sa malalapit na araw. Bumili na din ako ng ticket sa joy bus mga tatlong araw bago kami umalis para din sigurado na may reserve seat na kami. Marami na rin akong naitanong sa resort bago pa man kami nag decide na magpareserve.
At ito na nga ready na ang mga bag namin sa likod. Buti nalang ang nabili kong ticket na alis ng bus ay 1am(semi-deluxe) kasi may 12:30am(deluxe) pa na pinaka maagang alis. Sa sobrang pagpaplano ko nakalimutan ko pa na 12am pala ang out ko sa office ng araw na to. Kaya ayan pinag intay ko si besh sa office para sabay na kami umalis papunta sa bus terminal. Konti lang diperensya ng pamasahe pero nong tinanong ko sa ticketing ano kinaiba hindi nila maexplain so semi-deluxe in short ang nabili ko na tama lang naman na oras para hindi malate sa byahe.
Documentation: Nasa bus na kami paalis mga around 1:15am. Take note: May pa tubig, pa hansel at pa blanket ang bus. ✔️
Picture ulit para sa tamang dokumentasyon at dahil tapos na din kaming mamalengke sa pamilihang bayan ng baler. Mga 6:30am na kami nakadating ng baler terminal kaya akala ko wala ng bus na maabutan pero meron pa pala. Hindi naman isang bus lang ang bumabyahe kagaya ng nabasa ko bago umalis kasi sakto pagdating namin sa sakayan na lagpas lang ng palengke e kakaalis lang daw ng bus na Casiguran. Pero may bus pa na bagong dating mga after 5mins. lang na nakaupo na kami sa van – Casiguran din ang byahe so lipat kami kaya ayan nagpicture kami.😂 Hindi ko na ipapaliwanag bakit dalawa nalang kami para masaya lang. 😆🙌 Isa sa mga hindi ko nabasa yung tungkol sa landslide don ng Nov.11 lang. Siguro news blockout sila don para di maapektuhan ang ekonomiya. Nakakatakot yung bakas ng landslide na dinaanan namin. Ayan sinisingil na tayo ng kalikasan sa ginawa nating daan paakyat ng bundok. DPWH ang kasalukuyang nagaayus ng malawakang sira. Wala namang bumabyahe nong nangyari ang landslide kaya ligtas naman ang mga tao.(reporting live)✌🏼
Mabilisang kuha ko habang nasa kahabaan ng Casiguran road.
Nasa tabi lang ng hi-way yung resort kaya madaling makita. Natuwa din ako sa naging gamit ng maps.me sa byahe. Finally! andito na kami sa receiving area nila (cuteness).
Ok lang sa kanila magpapasok kahit mas maaga pa sa check in time na nasa reservation basta andon na at bakante naman na ang room. Ayun wala na kaming ibang ginawa kundi mag relax sa bawat duyan at glamping kubo area na para sa lahat. Magluto…kumain..kape-kape…. chikahan sa buhay-buhay after high school days….lakad-lakad sa buhanginan…awra-awra ng picture.
Sulit kahit overnight stay lang pero mas gusto ko pa sana magtagal kung wala lang akong pasok kinabukasan.
Isa sa mga dapat alalahanin para sa mga susunod pang byahe;
- Magtingin ng ulat panahon bago,kasalukuyan at araw ng pag alis.
- Kasalukuyang balita tungkol sa lugar.
- Magpareserve na ng byahe paalis at pabalik ng manila lalo na kung malaking grupo kayo para iwas stranded kasi limited lang ang byahe sa layo.
- Magtanong sa kung ano ang free gamitin at hindi para iwas sa di kanais nais na bayarin.
- Higit sa lahat!Para sa malayong byahe magdala lagi ng sobra sa extra para hindi maiwan sa lugar at mamalimos.
Sometimes I feel sorry for cheering people up!It’s as if they really need cheering up. For saying they should look on the brighter side of everything. That they should always look on the positive side of everything. To always look on the good and silver linings. That it will all be ok someday. While actually most of this people just need someone to forget everything behind. In this area of life, I feel less worthy enough.
How I wish I choose not to lift them up instead just let myself always available when they need some company. I wish I should have just shut up coz it might somehow lighten up the situation instead of splashing little water to somehow lessen the fame that keeps burning. Making the situation worst than it was before I even dare speak out.
No I really never help anyone. Never encourage anyone. Nope!Never! It is just my way of putting things in a different perspective and it is not always helpful. Somehow, a self satisfying fulfillment that is truly self serving in its nature. Who knows, maybe my brightest thoughts dims the light of other people’s lives. Make them feel more worst than ever. And in that note, I wish I should have said sorry. I am in no good either to say something better. We came in the same specie where everything is new in everything step of the way. We all learn in every different angle there is. We don’t even have the exact same dna as to the person sitting next to us. We are all unique and every situations is all unique to everyone of us depending on our own self orientation. No one is ever expert enough to say how you should live your life. We can only offer thousands of different opinions but your opinion is what will matter in the end. We are just a noise in the background if you think of it. Your heart has the loudest thought.
I knew I didn’t make all the good choices in life. That I don’t live the perfect life either. That I don’t have things all figured out. That I still do make mistakes from day to day.
I might have the best perspective, the best orientation and probably the best advise to offer but deep inside me I question all of that. Someone said “I hope I am as strong as you are” but looking back, does the things that happen in the past really made me stronger and wiser today or just bitter? Of course I am thankful of how I get to view my life now but to my opinion I’d rather be in your difficult situation right now and see for myself how I should really get things done.
Considering all the advise I have to offer, I honestly haven’t experienced any of those problems you have so I think you are more braver than I am just in a different view. Obviously, we don’t live the same life, we don’t have the same struggle and we are not in the same relationship so I might have been stronger in this area of singleness but not into a relationship kind of thing. I even push it out the first time I knew I will get into trouble. So what I am saying is, don’t believe everything I believe in because you’ll just end up like me not trusting every single men around.
On the other side, you have to start building something for yourself. You have to start owning everything that you have. You have to be independent in all aspects of life. You have to learn to be honest with yourself. You have to learn to not seek the approval of others specifically of men just to know your value as a human being. This way you can be more wiser than I am today. You can even see yourself more than you see it today. You will end up more happier than yesterday even happier than me. Plus you have a bigger heart than me so you will have more love to offer by then. Embrace all the challenges you have and never ever put a limit to yourself and to what you can do but never seek revenge and dont keep the hate. You have to live freely and in your owns terms to be genuinely happy without any regrets along side.